yeah

so im tired. im tired of trying to love. im tired of trying. im tired of being treated as though im just another face. god, im just plain old tired.

k, god, jesse, why? why am i here? why do i constantly have to be the odd one out? why do i constantly have to be the one thats overlooked? why am i always the one that everyone passively shuns? i dont understand why you couldnt just have let me die in iraq. why do i have to be here? i dont understand it. im not good at anything. i cant sing, or play music, im not a great looking person, i dont have a lot of charm, im not very funny, im not entertaining. heck my parents are more entertaining than me. even my friends think my parents are cooler and better than me. im not especially smart or talented at drawing or art. im not very emotionally stable... god, im just so... WORTHLESS!!!! i dont understand why you want me or what im good for. and why cant i end my own life? whats up with that? why am i suppossed to be here when theres no point? im not sharing my life with anyone. no one else is with me to share in my life and to share their life with me. what the fuck man? you and i both know that this life is worthless if it cant be shared, so what the fuck?
oh and showing me a bunch of girls and then effectively blocking them off from me is not funny man. thats sick and sadistic. not something i would call cool for an all powerful god. kinda makes me want to say fuck you and go to hell. oh and whats up with making women with a creep meter so sensitive that even male animals set the goddamned thing off. WHAT THE FUCK GUY!!!??? is it not bad enough that some of us have to set the low end of the desirable bar? do we really have to have insult piled on top of injury? i dont know what to do anymore. i just dont know.

crazy

ok, this world is crazy. i can only ask that you guide me. will you please help? thank you.

lol.

well, i dont know what sill happen in 15 years, but i guess ill have to trust you.

*sigh*

k, thank you for sending me such a good friend. she is truly amazing. but god im afraid. im afraid to lose her and im afraid to tell her. i really think i could love her, but there are some things that i just dont care for. what do i do?

storms

let the storms come. let them wash me away. let them take me to where you would have me be. let the rain and the wind come. let me be afraid of the lightning and thunder. let me run to your arms. let the world pass away in the midst of the raging storm. my trust is in you my god.

in tears

well, here i am again. in tears. wishing i could be dead. why do i have to be so alone god? what purpose is there to this? why?

9 June 2011

thank you for my friends jesse.  thank you for giving me everything that ive needed. halleluja

26 May 2011

jesse, i no longer know if you hear me, but i just wanted to tell you that im lonely. ive lost faith in trying to find anyone. i still get online, but i really dont believe that ill ever find anyone. i hope you enjoy my tears, because until i run out, thats all i have left.

18 May 2011

thank you for providing such a wonderful family for me. i really dont know what id do without them.

11 May 2011

thank you for holding me this school year jesse. ive often needed it. thank you for your promise to me. thank you for being there for me. i love you and am happy that you will lead me.

8 May 2011

25 years. thank you for supporting me for 25 years. thank you.

7 May 2011

thanks for the rest jesse.

5 May 2011

hey god. thanks for today.

4 May 2011 (2)

so tired. thanks for at least giving me strength.

4 May 2011

thank you jesse. thank you for sending someone my way that i can actually talk to and who may actually be somewhere in the ballpark for me. i love you.

3 May 2011

thank you for my mom, jesse. she is so gracious to me. thank you for giving her love and providing for her. please continue to keep her in your arms. thank you so much. i love you.

2 May 2011

thank you god for giving such a wonderful day today. :D i love you.

1 May 2011

"its a cold and broken hallelujah. hallelujah. hallelujah. halleluja." oh god, please listen the hallelujah of my heart. i love you. i still dont want to be alone.

30 Apr 2011

well, im still alive.