memories

lonely..... god i just dont want to be lonely this summer.

god, im lonely. will you please send me someone to give me a reason not to shoot myself?

no clue

im so tired god. im tired of standing still. im tired of being ignored and not being seen as anything but a source of money for everyone. im tired of struggling for every little thing i get. i just want to be able to live in peace. i want to be happy to go out and play and have friends that actually have time for me. i just wish that i could be free to roam in the wild and enjoy the beauty that you have made before its all gone. dont get me wrong god, i do believe that people are the most wonderful thing you have made, but i dont understand people. they just plain hurt. they hurt me, they hurt each other, they hurt everything they touch. why?

nightmares

had nightmares last night. i dreamed that god had left the world and that the people were rampant. a crowd had killed a liquor store owner in a big city and stolen his goods. the police came in great numbers to try to handle the situation, but many of  them were corrupt, and they beat the vandals and dispersed the crowd with violence. one man held a bottle of whiskey that he didnt even want to drink and ran. he was happy that he had the whiskey, but he didnt want to drink it, i dont know why. he ran into a tall building with a cop on his tail. ran up several flights of stairs to the 5ht or 6th floor then, in order to not be caught, leapt out of a window to his death. the cop initially tried to stop him, but ended up smiling and walking away after seeing that the man was dead. woke up, in the middle of the night and realized something. ive had enough of hell and violence. i really want to go to heaven. went back to sleep and continued the dream. woke up scared. havent done that for a long time. i know god is there, and i know he watches over me and has saved me, but i still get scared that he will send me to hell. im certainly not perfect, but some days im really lost as to what god wants of me. i really do want to follow him, but what does that mean in this day and age? i refuse to shove my beliefs down anyones throat, that will only drive them further from god. i want to love people like my mom does, but im afraid of two things. first im afraid of how broken i have to become. im already depressed with ptsd and jumpy, what more is there to break before i go insane or become useless? second im afraid that no matter how hard i try to show my love for people, i just cant love them. at least not like my mom can. i know that im not my mom, so being able to love like her is pretty much impossible, especially as we are two different people, but why is it i can never seem to be able to love others? i know god made me to be a warrior, but i dont want to be violent all the time. i only want to be violent when there is no other way. i know that there will be no violence in heaven. but does that mean that i will learn to love or does it mean that god will cast me out because my nature is one of violence? will i be cast into the eternal darkness and be left alone forever? my god if my purpose here is to learn how to love, then i am afraid that a thousand lifetimes is not enough time for me to learn. i do not know what it is you want me to do. i can only pray that your grace and forgiveness is enough. if i were left to my own devices i know what would become of me. i shudder to see what will become of this world in the end times. i feel sorry for the beleagered law enforcement that will have to deal with those times. may god give an abundance of mercy to the men and women who will actually try to keep the peace and uphold justice with mercy. the end truly is comming soon. :( when i dont know and i dont want to know. i can only pray that god will put it off long enough that either i will be ready or that i will be with him.

oh my god, your people hurt so much. i know that you have made this world for us in love, but i cant fathom how so much pain has entered this place. it breaks my heart god. i also dont understand why i didnt die in iraq. why do the men and women of my country die protecting me when they have families and loved ones back home and yet here i am single andwith no dependants still alive and wondering what the hell to do next. i just dont get it.
god, it just brings me to tears when i look around. i dont know how much more of this my spirit can take. i beg of you, please, be my strength till my job here is done. even when i dont have the strength to cry out for help.

why? again (not for brittany *you know who you are*)

so i just saw something on facebook that just kills me. one of my "friends" posted a video (which i did not watch) about why young people shouldnt chase each other according to outside beatuy. well, i have one thing to say to the maker and retards that post the video.
HOW. THE. FUCK. ARE. WE. SUPPOSED. TO. KEEP. A. RELATIONSHIP. WHEN. WE. ARE. LOOKING. AT. OTHER. PEOPLE?!!!!!!!! WHAT!!! THE!!!! FUCK!!!! retards. they obviously have no idea what a young person wants, or what a young person needs. obviously we (as i am still considered a young person apparently) want inner beauty to go along with the outer beauty that our bodies desire. its just a problem of reality. NEITHER ONE GOES WITH THE OTHER!!!!!! duuuuuhhhhhh!!!!!! retards. anyone knows that if a woman possesses both of these traits (which does happen, but is exceedingly rare), she is immediatly snatched up by the first asshole to grow half a malformed testicle and a quarter of a barely firing brain; and subsequently turned into some wreck of emotional/drama/financial disaster with major trust issues. which renders her subsequently fairly undesireable. not to mention most likely left with some brat fuck of a kid.
furthermore, it is common young person knowledge that a relationship that does make it to a marriage will most likely end in one of two ways (with the unlikely chance that there will actually be a happily ever after).
1) the marriage ends with the woman happily taking half of all the possesions the man painstakinly worked his ass off for and now gets to watch it leave for a reasone that he is not entirely sure of with the feeling that somehow he's been left with the short end of the stick.
2) one or the other of the couple will turn into some sort of abusive monster (be it drugs, alchohol, or some form of human-human) that will hopefully die of some stupid mistake or accident.
so really is it any wonder that young men just want a pretty face and good body? is it any wonder that young women just want some rich, handsome, brainless fuck? WE HAVE NO HOPE!!!!! shit!!! open youre fucking eyes and wake the fuck up.

hmph

dear god,
I HATE ALL THESE FUCKING BITCHES AND ASSHOLES THAT YOU MADE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! jesus fucking christ!!! why would you make someone that only wants a perfect gentleman? im sorry, maybe im not a goody two shoes anymore, maybe ive been spat on, left behind, pissed on, ignored, pushed around, walked on, and taken advantage of one too fucking many times!!!! FUCK YOU YOU STUPID CUNTS!!!!!! and then of all things they expect me to wait on them? fuck that! no fucking way am i gonna wait on some bimbo to primp so long that i just want to rape her and fucking leave because shes pissed all over me too much. nor am i going to wait for some stupid bitch that wants to be chased because she doesnt understand that men dont need that bull shit!!! what men fucking need is pussy. and if a stuipd cunt is going to ignore and mess with that, then im gone. fuck this shit. i dont want to go gay because im honestly not interested in men, because theyre just like me, assholes because theyve been pissed all over too. FUCK THIS!!!!!!!