26 Feb 2011 (2)

listening to a symphony for the lost. sadly enough i could paint a picture of my entire life with it. its sick, doctors want to put me on drugs to give me a false sense of happiness, friends want me to just go a little more and be patient. the world does not want me or care, the military only wants my service. it says it the bible that i am worth something to god, but how do i really know? it also says that i am like a grain of dust. so which do i believe? why do i feel like a piece of ground that's been fought over for so long that its now worthless? why does anyone still fight over me? i simply dont understand anymore. god, i cant stand the rain anymore. the tears the flow from me both night and day erode my body and flood my soul. i am so tired of this pain. im so tired of the blood that saturates the mud of my life. im so tired of the death of people's souls around me. im so tired of seeing vacant eyes. im so tired of watching my peers wander aimlessly. i cant remember how many times ive tried to help them, but my words fall upon deaf ears, my actions upon dead hearts, the love i give them only falls to the ground. when will i be allowed to die as well? when will i be sent from this suffering, from this stricken desert? dear god, how long must i listen to the silence of loneliness? how long must i bear the hour of my enemy? how long must i feel the sting of artillery shells destroying me? why must i bear the lies of death beckoning? oh god, the wind is furious, but it does not drive the tears from my heart. the sun does shine upon me, but it brings with it no warmth. yes lord, rain if you must, but be gentle. i know not what holds me together. i feel as though my being is turned to a ghost, a bit of mist to be burned away; forgotten.