why? again (not for brittany *you know who you are*)

so i just saw something on facebook that just kills me. one of my "friends" posted a video (which i did not watch) about why young people shouldnt chase each other according to outside beatuy. well, i have one thing to say to the maker and retards that post the video.
HOW. THE. FUCK. ARE. WE. SUPPOSED. TO. KEEP. A. RELATIONSHIP. WHEN. WE. ARE. LOOKING. AT. OTHER. PEOPLE?!!!!!!!! WHAT!!! THE!!!! FUCK!!!! retards. they obviously have no idea what a young person wants, or what a young person needs. obviously we (as i am still considered a young person apparently) want inner beauty to go along with the outer beauty that our bodies desire. its just a problem of reality. NEITHER ONE GOES WITH THE OTHER!!!!!! duuuuuhhhhhh!!!!!! retards. anyone knows that if a woman possesses both of these traits (which does happen, but is exceedingly rare), she is immediatly snatched up by the first asshole to grow half a malformed testicle and a quarter of a barely firing brain; and subsequently turned into some wreck of emotional/drama/financial disaster with major trust issues. which renders her subsequently fairly undesireable. not to mention most likely left with some brat fuck of a kid.
furthermore, it is common young person knowledge that a relationship that does make it to a marriage will most likely end in one of two ways (with the unlikely chance that there will actually be a happily ever after).
1) the marriage ends with the woman happily taking half of all the possesions the man painstakinly worked his ass off for and now gets to watch it leave for a reasone that he is not entirely sure of with the feeling that somehow he's been left with the short end of the stick.
2) one or the other of the couple will turn into some sort of abusive monster (be it drugs, alchohol, or some form of human-human) that will hopefully die of some stupid mistake or accident.
so really is it any wonder that young men just want a pretty face and good body? is it any wonder that young women just want some rich, handsome, brainless fuck? WE HAVE NO HOPE!!!!! shit!!! open youre fucking eyes and wake the fuck up.

hmph

dear god,
I HATE ALL THESE FUCKING BITCHES AND ASSHOLES THAT YOU MADE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! jesus fucking christ!!! why would you make someone that only wants a perfect gentleman? im sorry, maybe im not a goody two shoes anymore, maybe ive been spat on, left behind, pissed on, ignored, pushed around, walked on, and taken advantage of one too fucking many times!!!! FUCK YOU YOU STUPID CUNTS!!!!!! and then of all things they expect me to wait on them? fuck that! no fucking way am i gonna wait on some bimbo to primp so long that i just want to rape her and fucking leave because shes pissed all over me too much. nor am i going to wait for some stupid bitch that wants to be chased because she doesnt understand that men dont need that bull shit!!! what men fucking need is pussy. and if a stuipd cunt is going to ignore and mess with that, then im gone. fuck this shit. i dont want to go gay because im honestly not interested in men, because theyre just like me, assholes because theyve been pissed all over too. FUCK THIS!!!!!!!

dear god

dear god, im tired of watching everyone else have someone special. when will it be my turn?

yeah

T-T

so?

so am i to blame that i want love? am i to blame that i want to love another? can i help that everyone looks at me as though im a freak? can i change my looks at will and make myself more handsome? no. i am convinced that im not to blame for wanting to share love with another and want to be loved in return. i am not to blame for looking creepy and having mannerisms that are seen as strange. i cannot nor will i bear the burden of being just another face in the crowd. i am different god damitt!!! and i will be loved for who and what i fucking am. if a girl is too shallow to see beyond my skin then she does not deserve me. if a girl is too dumb to understand my thoughts and converse with me then she is simply too dumb for me and would end up being unhappy because she would be frustrated. if a girl does not want to try to understand me and accept my love then she has no business with me. and alone as i may be in this small world, i should have no business with any woman that does not meet my needs.

yeah

so im tired. im tired of trying to love. im tired of trying. im tired of being treated as though im just another face. god, im just plain old tired.

k, god, jesse, why? why am i here? why do i constantly have to be the odd one out? why do i constantly have to be the one thats overlooked? why am i always the one that everyone passively shuns? i dont understand why you couldnt just have let me die in iraq. why do i have to be here? i dont understand it. im not good at anything. i cant sing, or play music, im not a great looking person, i dont have a lot of charm, im not very funny, im not entertaining. heck my parents are more entertaining than me. even my friends think my parents are cooler and better than me. im not especially smart or talented at drawing or art. im not very emotionally stable... god, im just so... WORTHLESS!!!! i dont understand why you want me or what im good for. and why cant i end my own life? whats up with that? why am i suppossed to be here when theres no point? im not sharing my life with anyone. no one else is with me to share in my life and to share their life with me. what the fuck man? you and i both know that this life is worthless if it cant be shared, so what the fuck?
oh and showing me a bunch of girls and then effectively blocking them off from me is not funny man. thats sick and sadistic. not something i would call cool for an all powerful god. kinda makes me want to say fuck you and go to hell. oh and whats up with making women with a creep meter so sensitive that even male animals set the goddamned thing off. WHAT THE FUCK GUY!!!??? is it not bad enough that some of us have to set the low end of the desirable bar? do we really have to have insult piled on top of injury? i dont know what to do anymore. i just dont know.

crazy

ok, this world is crazy. i can only ask that you guide me. will you please help? thank you.

lol.

well, i dont know what sill happen in 15 years, but i guess ill have to trust you.

*sigh*

k, thank you for sending me such a good friend. she is truly amazing. but god im afraid. im afraid to lose her and im afraid to tell her. i really think i could love her, but there are some things that i just dont care for. what do i do?

storms

let the storms come. let them wash me away. let them take me to where you would have me be. let the rain and the wind come. let me be afraid of the lightning and thunder. let me run to your arms. let the world pass away in the midst of the raging storm. my trust is in you my god.

in tears

well, here i am again. in tears. wishing i could be dead. why do i have to be so alone god? what purpose is there to this? why?

tears

oh tears so lonely, fall.
oh tears for others, will you always be lonely?

oh tears so lonely, fall.
tears for darkness, will you always call to them?

oh tears so lonely, fall.
tears of pain, will you always be ignored?

oh tears so lonely, fall.
fall, to the earth and be no more.

9 June 2011

thank you for my friends jesse.  thank you for giving me everything that ive needed. halleluja

26 May 2011

jesse, i no longer know if you hear me, but i just wanted to tell you that im lonely. ive lost faith in trying to find anyone. i still get online, but i really dont believe that ill ever find anyone. i hope you enjoy my tears, because until i run out, thats all i have left.

18 May 2011

thank you for providing such a wonderful family for me. i really dont know what id do without them.

11 May 2011

thank you for holding me this school year jesse. ive often needed it. thank you for your promise to me. thank you for being there for me. i love you and am happy that you will lead me.

8 May 2011

25 years. thank you for supporting me for 25 years. thank you.

7 May 2011

thanks for the rest jesse.

5 May 2011

hey god. thanks for today.

4 May 2011 (2)

so tired. thanks for at least giving me strength.

4 May 2011

thank you jesse. thank you for sending someone my way that i can actually talk to and who may actually be somewhere in the ballpark for me. i love you.

3 May 2011

thank you for my mom, jesse. she is so gracious to me. thank you for giving her love and providing for her. please continue to keep her in your arms. thank you so much. i love you.

2 May 2011

thank you god for giving such a wonderful day today. :D i love you.

1 May 2011

"its a cold and broken hallelujah. hallelujah. hallelujah. halleluja." oh god, please listen the hallelujah of my heart. i love you. i still dont want to be alone.

30 Apr 2011

well, im still alive.

29 Apr 2011

well, i found the application for the flower job i want for the summer. i dont know if ill get it, but i know youll guide me in that area. ill also need to find a place to live for the summer. thanks for already providing for me.

27 Apr 2011

well, easter was especially odd. but thank you for my family. i love my family, every quirky one. thank you for allowing me to get a vehicle for up in the mountains. i still feel alone, but i know youre with me today and i know that you wont leave. i still dont know what you have in mind for me, but i will trust that you have it well in hand. please look after my cousin. she deserves to have a good life. there are times i wish i could be back in the military. i really miss the comradry.

21 Apr 2011

wow, i was having such a great day. now im suddenly lonely. why is it always the simple little things that make me so emotional? why always the little things that i long for? and why cant i ever find love? god, if youre listening, i could really use some company, especially being held.

20 Apr 2011

my dearest god! hear my prayer, come to your child. i am weak.  there is nothing here to support me. i see the ruin of my country. the children dead or wandering in ashes cry out. the women have all been killed. the hearts of the people are laid bare. oh my god, the ashe falls like snow. the fire consumes without mercy. my god, the rain falls and runs into destructive floods. even the sun hides. my god, i cannot stand such violence. i dare not open my eyes to such hate. be my protection, oh god of love. i cannot bear the sight of the people in such pain. oh what hell has been set before my eyes. what fearful gaping holes the eyes of survivors have become. how black the hearts of men. the end of the pale man is near. oh god. see my tears. know the cries of my heart.

19 Apr 2011

ok jesse, id like to have a woman to share my life with, but i dont want to be hurt. if that means i have to be alone, then fine. i will be alone. i just cant promise to be happy. i really cant promise anything anymore. anyway, at least i can thank you for sending me friends. im glad that i dont have centuries to live here. itd be far too painful.

18 Apr 2011 (2)

thank you for showing me how old she was. ugh, why do they always do that? why cant they ever tell the fucking truth? why cant they not play games for once. god i wish there was just one. its so depressing.

18 Apr 2011

well god, i bought the bike. i still have peace. thank you for giving me patience and something i can use to go enjoy your works and have a chance at relaxing.

17 Apr 2011

thank you for such a great two days. its been awesome. thank you for also providing a way for me to get into the backcountry. im really excited to finally have a way to enjoy your mountains.

14 Apr 2011

wow, my mind is running so fast im wearing holes in my head. at least you can keep track of it all. thanks for such a good day today.

13 Apr 2011

what have i left jesse? what is left here? why do i still live? why do i still care?

12 Apr 2011

well jesse, thank you for giving me friends. thank you for my mom. i love them all so much. thank you most of all for forgiveness. especially helping me to forgive. i know you are with me. thank you for your guidance. i love you.

11 Apr 2011

well, i dont know whats going to happen to me. frankly im not even sure i want to know. i need to get to the dentist and the eye doctor though. i also need to get my ass in gear and just move on in life. k, thanks.

10 Apr 2011

srange past few days. thanks

8 Apr 2011

oh if only i had beauty in my life. there is nothing here. oh if only i could share. words cannot express, my fingers cannot make music, and i cannot replicate what i see. how long must i wait for peace? god how long is this miserable life? why cant anyone ever understand me? why? why must i hide everything about myself? am i not human? am i not acceptable to society? am i only good as a reject or example of something to be despised? god, its been so long since i last had a valid reason to fucking smile. im so tired of being sarcastic. i want to be real, i want to be honest, i want to have love and be able to love another. but how can anyone love when they have no love? how does a person give what they dont have? i swear it is impossible. there is no grace in this world. there is no love, there is nothing but tears, pain, bloodshed, and violence. only death awaits. may god have mercy on the souls of the condemned, for that includes all of humanity. good-bye.

6 Apr 2011 (2)

Dear True Love,
you are one of the most finiky things i know.  You never come to see me, never write, and never speak to me.  I realize that you are very busy, especially now that the population of the world is exploding, but seems as you are influencing so many people throughout the world as it is; I was wondering if you would like to stop by and say hi to me as well.  As it is right now, I find that I am hard presed to continue believing in you without anything to go on.  I am afraid that I must tell you that your time in my life is running dangerously low.
Sincerely,
Raven

6 Apr 2011

well, i dont know anymore. what to do, what to do? i know that i should be doing my best with my schoolwork, but i cant seem to get the energy to do it. i just dont have the drive. its like i just want to be with people. thats all i ever seem to want. i just dont get it. ugh, k enough whining. thanks for a good day.

5 Apr 2011

feeling sad today. it was a good day, but im still feeling sad. its like im in a room thats empty and cold. barren of all things except an old wooden stool, a bench hanging from the wall with chains, and a tin bucket with a bare lightbulb in a socket hanging from the ceiling. its like the room is huge and i cant see the walls except for the one that my bed hangs on. i feel old and decrepit, like ive been stuck in this place for so long i have forgotten that there is an outside world. there is no light except for the one bulb. there is no door that i know of. there is no one else there. just me. they say that solitary confinement is the worst tourture. well, i seem to live it every day. its only the second greatest tourture. the greatest is being in solitary confinement when you know there is an outside world and other people. thats the worst. i can only survive because i dont know any other existence. i thought i knew another way, but i find that it receeds into my mind as though it were only a fleeting thought, a dream, an unreality. god, how sad my life is. how bleak this existence. how truly alone i feel. but i dont really know if im alone, i really dont know if this is the thing i feel. i just dont know.

4 Apr 2011 (2)

well, i thought a friend of mine was dead. thank god hes not. i really like him. i wish i could hang out with him more. life has its demands though. at least i know that he is alive. thank god.

4 Apr 2011

yay, im so happy. pfft. whatever. thanks for at least giving me trigonometry. at least theres one thing that makes sense in this world. thanks for also giving me something to write about; seriously if it wasnt for you, id never be able to write anything. anyway, i better get to it. thanks jesse.

3 Apr 2011

what is left for a person when they have no love? nothing, even death has come for them. the body only waits to catch up to the heart and soul.

1 Apr 2011

im so confused today. i want to simply be happy and have friends and a family. but it seems like im destined to be alone. well, i guess ill simply have to learn to live with it. i know i will learn to be comfortable with this, but until then. yeah, anywho, i dont really know what im doing. i guess youll have to help me again toady. thanks jesse.

31 Mar 2011

well, im starting to get creeped out now. its the third day in a row that im happy and not really depressed. im not sure what is happening to me, but i know that there must be something thats going on in my life. i just dont know if im aware of it. well, whatever. i know you have it under control jesse, so i wont worry about it too much. thanks.

30 Mar 2011

wow, crazy couple of days. im so happy i dont know what to do with myself. im still single, but i guess im just not caring anymore. well, whatever works. thank you jesse.

28 Mar 2011

well, thanks for a good day today jesse. i needed one. thanks for carrying me.

27 Mar 2011

alone again. alone again. who am i? who was i? i was alone. i am alone. so what does it matter? nothing, except i have this feeling. i have this urge. an incling is tickling the back of my mind. a thought on the edge, a word at the tip of my tounge ready to be let loose. so what is it waiting for? what am i waiting for? how do i define it? i dont know. i simply dont know. what is the meaning of it? why the solitude? i just dont know. well, when you want to tell me or make things right, when you want to shine again, ill be here.

26 Mar 2011

who am i? what am i? i look at myself in the mirror and no longer know the face staring back at me. who am i? what am i? who is this man with sad and cynical eyes? who is he? this man with dark rings stares at me and asks who are you? who am i? what have i become? this dark figure. this unhappy creature. who am i? oh god, who am i?

26 Mar 2011

well, thank you for the good day. i really needed to ride. i still wish i could be with someone, but i guess ill live. i loved the multicultural show. its so interesting to see so much of the world packed into so little. thanks for showing me all these things. it really is beautiful.

25 Mar 2011

another day come and past, another day again at last. oh how i love to be alone. its so dreary. god i feel like rango before he met anyone. i just wish i could find some people to be with that dont get me pissed off or depressed. alright jesse, i know you know that id love to have a woman to love and to hold in a serious commitment, but if you dont want to send me one, then i guess ill be visiting you pretty soon. im so tired of being alone. i wish you had an idea of what it feels like to be this alone. i may as well not exist. hell, if it wasnt for me calling and texting on the damned phone, no one would know if i were still alive. hell i bet no one would even text or call me if i quit trying to communicate. i think i might just try it and see. i wonder how long it will be before anyone does call or text me.

24 Mar 2011

ugh, so lonely. maddie and jc came to sit with me during lunch and im still lonely. im just not interested in anything today. if anything, im really just tired of the bullshit in my world. i just want a companion that i can talk to and who will understand me. someone i can be interested in as well. someone i want to look at. im so tired of getting the dregs of everything. im seriously thinking that itd just be better to go live alone. at least then i wouldnt be constantly reminded of my social inadequacies and constant state of invisibility. what a stupid moronic thing this life is. i cant wait for it to be fucking over.

23 Mar 2011

beautiful day outside. i wonder why im depressed then. was watching the birds today and thought that they have a better chance at finding another bird to be with than i have of finding a girl to be with. i wonder if their songs are laments to you until you provide. perhaps then their songs turn to joy and praise. no, i think they are truly happy to simply be alive. i envy the birds their joy. i envy their simply trust. well, on to life i guess. if you really care that much about me, i know you will be there. thank you jesse.

22 Mar 2011

well, thank you for a good day. tonight is kind of lonely, but i guess ill survive. i know im not supposed to search for a woman right now, but its really hard. i just want to be loved. is that really a bad thing? i wonder if its because you want me to have a few things done first. well, i know youll let me know. thanks jesse.

21 Mar 2011

hello my dearest. i dont know how to express this, but i guess i love you will do. im really not sure what that means anymore, but i hope you can show me. thank you for being with me today. im not sure where my life is going, but i know you have a good idea, so im sure youll just clue me in when youre ready. thanks jesse

21 Mar 2011

ugh, im so tired of trying to get things done. its like every time i try to get something fixed it doesnt work. i try to get help, and the people dont understand, i try to fix my computer, and it doesnt work. im so tired of this. i dont know what to do anymore, the people i want to notice me dont, the people i want to forget me wont, and the people i dont want to notice me do. how much more can my life get fucked up? i mean, im already living with my greatest fear, i cant get things to work, and to be honest im just getting tired of being here. whats the point? why do i have to be here? could you answer me that please?

19 Mar 2011

well, i dont know what to do anymore. i went, i saw, and i think im still not interested. thing is ill still go if you want me to. i really dont know if it will work out. i dont know how it could. well, you have it under control im sure.c

16 Mar 2011

well, thank you for the break. im still lonely, but i guess ill survive. i really wish there was another way. thank you for keeping me safe through my military career. i love you jesse.

10 Mar 2011

well, thank you jesse. thank you for the peace i have today. thank you for your promises to bring water to a dry land. when you speak of my children it brings hope to me. thank you so much. let my bitter tears turn to tears of hope. thank you for giving me what strength i have today. i love you jesse.

9 Mar 2011

ok, youre right. i really havent been putting my trust in you. im sorry. i know you tell me to remember you and you will adress my grievances, but its really difficult. im still really lonely. i know that you care and all, but sometimes i wonder if you care enough to do something about it. i know you want me to take up my worries with you so we can address them together, but how do i do that so you will understand? do you really understand my lonliness?

8 Mar 2011

well, thank you for the peace. i really hope now that my stomach can settle. i really dont want to be sick tonight. thank you for my relationship with my mom. its such a blessing to have her in my life. i love you.

7 Mar 2011 (2)

well, ive been exposed to how the eastern thought works a little bit. the buddhist thought as well. i gotta hand it to you jesse, im really glad im not a blade of grass or a flower or something. i am really happy that i am unique and special. i dont know if ill ever be loved by anyone else here, but i do know that i will be loved by you at least. so thank you. i love you. youre welcome to live in my brokeness as much and as long as you like. thank you for giving me such an interesting glimpse at how you percieve us.

7 Mar 2011

so... tired... i need a girlfriend. or just sleep.

6 Mar 2011 (2)

ok jesse, i dont know whats going on, but im really jumpy today. i feeel like im right back in iraq. ive been looking over my shoulder all day and hyper alert. i dont know whats going on. please be with me. i keep getting the feeling im going to need it soon. thanks.

6 Mar 2011

... wish ... thanks.

5 Mar 2011

have you forgotten me oh jesse? are your promises nothing? are my sins such that i must be shunned? am i made so low that there is no hope for me? will i forever be lonely? will i forever be alone? my heart grieves in its brokenness, my mind in its solitude. what reason do i have for living if i am to be alone? well, i have heard that you dwell in our brokenness. if that is true, then how much further must i be broken? will you come and dwell in the shards of my own life?

4 Mar 2011 (2)

what peace is this that blooms fresh as a flower in the morning of the desert? as a rose that blooms in the morning dew, your peace has entered into my heart. oh master of love and commander of peace, welcome to my humble abode. please, stay as long as you wish. i am content to listen to your words and bask in the warmth of your companionship. oh, jesse, let me rest in your arms that hold me. let me sleep in the shadow of your love. let me take food and water from your wisdom and clothe myself in your will. sweet friend of mine, come and dwell in my brokeness.

4 Mar 2011

hey jesse. how are you? today has been interesting to say the least. i wonder what will happen tonight. thanks for providing people to help me along. i was wondering if you would mind visiting with me sometime. well, until then i guess youll know where to find me. i love you.

3 Mar 2011

i dont know what im doing. i dont know why im here. what is the purpose? why? why, if im going to be alone?

3 Mar 2011

well, i dont know how im supossed to be hopeful when i really dont have much hope. i just dont see anything here. i really dont see anything when i look at korea either. i just cant see anything. well, jesse, if youre still caring, im still praying for miracles. i dont know what else to call them anymore.

2 Mar 2011

thank you jesse. i know you will provide. its hard to remember to have faith sometimes, but i know you will provide. thank you for giving me the courage to say something. thank you for the company. i love you. i dont know where im going in life, but i trust that you will use my life somehow. in your will.

28 Feb 2011

alright, if its tears with which i am to praise you with, then i will flood the heavens. let the flames of the abyss be quenched in the anguish of my soul. let the hunger of the fires of hell be gorged with the pain of my existence. may god deign to rest his feet in the river of my tears. may he look upon the brokeness of my house. may he pass by in silence.

27 Feb 2011

ok, i really hate being pissed off so much. so why are people being so immature and retarded? i just dont get it. thank you for helping me control my anger. i really need it. anywho, i need some courge, jesse. i want to ask a couple of girls out, but im really not very much for words on the spot. would you help me out? either way, thanks for being here today.

26 Feb 2011 (2)

listening to a symphony for the lost. sadly enough i could paint a picture of my entire life with it. its sick, doctors want to put me on drugs to give me a false sense of happiness, friends want me to just go a little more and be patient. the world does not want me or care, the military only wants my service. it says it the bible that i am worth something to god, but how do i really know? it also says that i am like a grain of dust. so which do i believe? why do i feel like a piece of ground that's been fought over for so long that its now worthless? why does anyone still fight over me? i simply dont understand anymore. god, i cant stand the rain anymore. the tears the flow from me both night and day erode my body and flood my soul. i am so tired of this pain. im so tired of the blood that saturates the mud of my life. im so tired of the death of people's souls around me. im so tired of seeing vacant eyes. im so tired of watching my peers wander aimlessly. i cant remember how many times ive tried to help them, but my words fall upon deaf ears, my actions upon dead hearts, the love i give them only falls to the ground. when will i be allowed to die as well? when will i be sent from this suffering, from this stricken desert? dear god, how long must i listen to the silence of loneliness? how long must i bear the hour of my enemy? how long must i feel the sting of artillery shells destroying me? why must i bear the lies of death beckoning? oh god, the wind is furious, but it does not drive the tears from my heart. the sun does shine upon me, but it brings with it no warmth. yes lord, rain if you must, but be gentle. i know not what holds me together. i feel as though my being is turned to a ghost, a bit of mist to be burned away; forgotten.

26 Feb 2011

my dearest friend, im soooo tired. thank you for letting it be a saturday. today is truly beautiful, and she is truly beautiful. i wish i could understand your plans, but my brain is too small. will you please just make sure that im not going anywhere outside of your protection? thank you. i love you. please bless my friend. she is going through such a hard time. i can see the sadness in her heart. i know that she has a beautiful smile. i only ask that she know who you are. please be with my parents as well. i love them so much. thank you for giving them peace and love. im still lonely, but you know that. so i know this is a really stupid question, but i cant help myself anymore. is there really one for me out there?

25 Feb 2011 (2)

well, today was nuts. i dont know whats gotten into me, but i feel like im back in highschool. i dont know what to do anymore. thanks for at least carrying me through today.

25 Feb 2011

well, jesse, im going crazy today. i dont know what to do. i need direction. please help.

24 Feb 2011

well, i think i hear you telling me to talk to her, but im not sure, so i guess ill go talk to her and see. thank you for whatever you will bring in this.

23 Feb 2011

thank you for the peace today. i love you. thank you for people to talk to. i need it. thank you for a small bit of hope, i need it more. thank you for your love. i am dead without it.

21 Feb 2011 (2)

thanks jesse, thank you for the company. thank you for keeping me today. thank you

21 Feb 2011

ok, why would you make me this way? im so fucking horny right now its not even funny. what the fuck? god this shit sucks. i need...

20 Feb 2011

im so lonely. even in a crowd im lonely. why do i always have to be so alone? i dont understand. i know everyone is unique, but even nerds get to find someone else. why cant i get anyone else? its so depressing.

19 Feb 2011

how? how do i forgive them god? i dont know how to forgive them. i want to forgive, but i dont know how. whats worse is that i dont know how to forgive myself. i dont think i really know how to forgive. help?

18 Feb 2011

jesse, im not sure how to go on. maybe i wont. i guess this is where you hold me and we leave only one set of footprints. thank you. i love you. im tired. well, when you bring another into my life i guess ill love her. untill then, ill just have to wait. well, ill talk to you later.

17 Feb 2011

well, if youre the one that wants to restore the house of jacob, go ahead. i dont know what you mean when you say the house of jacob, but youll have to be the one to do it.

16 Feb 2011 (2)

why silence?

16 Feb 2011

depressed. i shouldnt be, but i am. i dont get it. if you made someone as fucked up as me once why cant you do it again? or why wont you just let me die? i dont get it.

15 Feb 2011 (2)

well, im not sure what to do now. im going so crazy. i wish this could be easier, or at least a little more pleasant, but i guess ill have to do with what i have. still love you. still having a good day. thanks jesse.

15 Feb 2011

well, i guess its a miracle that i have peace today, so thank you jesse. i was looking at her picture today. she really is a beautiful daughter. i hope that if you give her a man he will realize how truly lucky and blessed he is. she really is amazing. thanks for at least letting me get to know her. it hurts. i love you.

14 Feb 2011 (2)

jesse, jacob needs a miracle. i really hope i dont have to go through this 9 times. if i do i hope you realize that i might kill myself before i get to the end.

14 Feb 2011

im so sick of being alone. i fucking hate valentines day. the only purpose of this shitty day is to remind everyone to go be loved. well, heres what i have to say about that. its hard to go be loved when youre not loved by anyone anyway. thanks god for such a wonderful fucking day. i wish i were dead right now.

13 Feb 2011

dear god, i dont know what to do. im confused. please, i know you understand. i need your help.

11 Feb 2011

i dont get why. i just know in my gut. where there is silence, there is also darkness. what beauty i had is now gone, and what hope was given me has passed on. my prayer has been answered. i have freely given. and now i have nothing. so why am i still walking? i dont know. if you have an answer, id really appreciate one right now. if you are done with me jesse, then please just let me die.

10 Feb 2011

ok god, what the fuck? how come im always invisible? how come im always overlooked? why am i always rejected? what gives? im so tired of being the outcast, the unacceptable, the one who is never quite good enough. what the fuck? right now i feel like i may as well be living in hell im so shunned righ now. today i saw a girl i know look right at me and the only reason she looked at me was because i said her name. that was it. WHAT THE FUCK!?!?!?! do you remember your promise to me? do you not know my needs? or do you simply take a sadistic pleasure in tormenting me? i dont need to be the center of attention, id just like to be noticed by someone that doesnt make me want to gag. is that so difficult? am i really that fucking ugly and disgusting? i cant fucking live like this. i just cant. have you looked at my life lately? at this rate im not gonna be worth anything to anyone in a year. im already pretty close to being worthless as it is. why does it seem like all youre doing is sitting on your hands? i just dont get it anymore god. i just dont get it. let me know if you want something. ill be in my room, contemplating sending myself to eternity. like usual.

9 Feb 2011

hey jesse, today was awesome. thanks for the chat today. im really confused right now. im really impatient right now aren't i? i mean, its hard to wait for her. its hard to believe. i know you want me to trust you and everything, but im having a really hard time right now. i hope you can understand. by the way, did i ever tell you that i really hate it when you tell me i lose? its so irritating, but im really glad that i can't win. i guess that means that im happy you're always getting your way. well, i need to go study your works. they're really awesome by the way. its so cool to see how you made things. thank you so much.

6 Feb 2011

well, god, im willing to live alone. i dont know if i can do it though. i really need to be touched and held. im really going crazy here. i love heejeong so much. will you please be with her? please help me. i love you jesse.

3 Feb 2011

so i was wondering what you want me to do. im not sure if you sent me my dream last night, but i will do what i can to follow it. thank you jesse

2 Feb 2011

well, im sure i dont understand everything, but i do understand that you dont want me to be alone. i know you've asked me to be willing to be alone and i am. i dont understand it god, but with your grace i will do it. please give me strength, please give me wisdom, please give me patience, please give me what i need. thank you for letting me understand at least a little. today is beautiful. your creation is amazing. thank you my dearest friend. thank you jesse.

1 Feb 2011

thank you jesse

31 Jan 2011

listen to your children, oh my god. give ear to the cries of the oppressed. look and see the distress of your children my god. your children cry out for righteousness oh my god. your childrens' blood cries out. give ear to the lost. open the eyes that search for you, open the ears that long for your whisper, give strength to the heart that is weak, give water to the soul that is parched for your water. my god, jesse, my friend, my closest companion, my hope will you not give ear to the cries of my heart? will you not listen to the sorrow of my soul? will you ignore your servant? will you be silent forever, oh jesse? will you send me to my resting place in silence, oh my father? will you not answer, oh spirit of the most high? jesse, may your will be done not mine.