well, im starting to get creeped out now. its the third day in a row that im happy and not really depressed. im not sure what is happening to me, but i know that there must be something thats going on in my life. i just dont know if im aware of it. well, whatever. i know you have it under control jesse, so i wont worry about it too much. thanks.
Thursday, March 31, 2011
Wednesday, March 30, 2011
30 Mar 2011
wow, crazy couple of days. im so happy i dont know what to do with myself. im still single, but i guess im just not caring anymore. well, whatever works. thank you jesse.
Monday, March 28, 2011
Sunday, March 27, 2011
27 Mar 2011
alone again. alone again. who am i? who was i? i was alone. i am alone. so what does it matter? nothing, except i have this feeling. i have this urge. an incling is tickling the back of my mind. a thought on the edge, a word at the tip of my tounge ready to be let loose. so what is it waiting for? what am i waiting for? how do i define it? i dont know. i simply dont know. what is the meaning of it? why the solitude? i just dont know. well, when you want to tell me or make things right, when you want to shine again, ill be here.
Saturday, March 26, 2011
26 Mar 2011
who am i? what am i? i look at myself in the mirror and no longer know the face staring back at me. who am i? what am i? who is this man with sad and cynical eyes? who is he? this man with dark rings stares at me and asks who are you? who am i? what have i become? this dark figure. this unhappy creature. who am i? oh god, who am i?
26 Mar 2011
well, thank you for the good day. i really needed to ride. i still wish i could be with someone, but i guess ill live. i loved the multicultural show. its so interesting to see so much of the world packed into so little. thanks for showing me all these things. it really is beautiful.
Friday, March 25, 2011
25 Mar 2011
another day come and past, another day again at last. oh how i love to be alone. its so dreary. god i feel like rango before he met anyone. i just wish i could find some people to be with that dont get me pissed off or depressed. alright jesse, i know you know that id love to have a woman to love and to hold in a serious commitment, but if you dont want to send me one, then i guess ill be visiting you pretty soon. im so tired of being alone. i wish you had an idea of what it feels like to be this alone. i may as well not exist. hell, if it wasnt for me calling and texting on the damned phone, no one would know if i were still alive. hell i bet no one would even text or call me if i quit trying to communicate. i think i might just try it and see. i wonder how long it will be before anyone does call or text me.
Thursday, March 24, 2011
24 Mar 2011
ugh, so lonely. maddie and jc came to sit with me during lunch and im still lonely. im just not interested in anything today. if anything, im really just tired of the bullshit in my world. i just want a companion that i can talk to and who will understand me. someone i can be interested in as well. someone i want to look at. im so tired of getting the dregs of everything. im seriously thinking that itd just be better to go live alone. at least then i wouldnt be constantly reminded of my social inadequacies and constant state of invisibility. what a stupid moronic thing this life is. i cant wait for it to be fucking over.
Wednesday, March 23, 2011
23 Mar 2011
beautiful day outside. i wonder why im depressed then. was watching the birds today and thought that they have a better chance at finding another bird to be with than i have of finding a girl to be with. i wonder if their songs are laments to you until you provide. perhaps then their songs turn to joy and praise. no, i think they are truly happy to simply be alive. i envy the birds their joy. i envy their simply trust. well, on to life i guess. if you really care that much about me, i know you will be there. thank you jesse.
Tuesday, March 22, 2011
22 Mar 2011
well, thank you for a good day. tonight is kind of lonely, but i guess ill survive. i know im not supposed to search for a woman right now, but its really hard. i just want to be loved. is that really a bad thing? i wonder if its because you want me to have a few things done first. well, i know youll let me know. thanks jesse.
Monday, March 21, 2011
21 Mar 2011
hello my dearest. i dont know how to express this, but i guess i love you will do. im really not sure what that means anymore, but i hope you can show me. thank you for being with me today. im not sure where my life is going, but i know you have a good idea, so im sure youll just clue me in when youre ready. thanks jesse
21 Mar 2011
ugh, im so tired of trying to get things done. its like every time i try to get something fixed it doesnt work. i try to get help, and the people dont understand, i try to fix my computer, and it doesnt work. im so tired of this. i dont know what to do anymore, the people i want to notice me dont, the people i want to forget me wont, and the people i dont want to notice me do. how much more can my life get fucked up? i mean, im already living with my greatest fear, i cant get things to work, and to be honest im just getting tired of being here. whats the point? why do i have to be here? could you answer me that please?
Saturday, March 19, 2011
19 Mar 2011
well, i dont know what to do anymore. i went, i saw, and i think im still not interested. thing is ill still go if you want me to. i really dont know if it will work out. i dont know how it could. well, you have it under control im sure.c
Wednesday, March 16, 2011
16 Mar 2011
well, thank you for the break. im still lonely, but i guess ill survive. i really wish there was another way. thank you for keeping me safe through my military career. i love you jesse.
Thursday, March 10, 2011
10 Mar 2011
well, thank you jesse. thank you for the peace i have today. thank you for your promises to bring water to a dry land. when you speak of my children it brings hope to me. thank you so much. let my bitter tears turn to tears of hope. thank you for giving me what strength i have today. i love you jesse.
Wednesday, March 9, 2011
9 Mar 2011
ok, youre right. i really havent been putting my trust in you. im sorry. i know you tell me to remember you and you will adress my grievances, but its really difficult. im still really lonely. i know that you care and all, but sometimes i wonder if you care enough to do something about it. i know you want me to take up my worries with you so we can address them together, but how do i do that so you will understand? do you really understand my lonliness?
Tuesday, March 8, 2011
8 Mar 2011
well, thank you for the peace. i really hope now that my stomach can settle. i really dont want to be sick tonight. thank you for my relationship with my mom. its such a blessing to have her in my life. i love you.
Monday, March 7, 2011
7 Mar 2011 (2)
well, ive been exposed to how the eastern thought works a little bit. the buddhist thought as well. i gotta hand it to you jesse, im really glad im not a blade of grass or a flower or something. i am really happy that i am unique and special. i dont know if ill ever be loved by anyone else here, but i do know that i will be loved by you at least. so thank you. i love you. youre welcome to live in my brokeness as much and as long as you like. thank you for giving me such an interesting glimpse at how you percieve us.
Sunday, March 6, 2011
6 Mar 2011 (2)
ok jesse, i dont know whats going on, but im really jumpy today. i feeel like im right back in iraq. ive been looking over my shoulder all day and hyper alert. i dont know whats going on. please be with me. i keep getting the feeling im going to need it soon. thanks.
Saturday, March 5, 2011
5 Mar 2011
have you forgotten me oh jesse? are your promises nothing? are my sins such that i must be shunned? am i made so low that there is no hope for me? will i forever be lonely? will i forever be alone? my heart grieves in its brokenness, my mind in its solitude. what reason do i have for living if i am to be alone? well, i have heard that you dwell in our brokenness. if that is true, then how much further must i be broken? will you come and dwell in the shards of my own life?
Friday, March 4, 2011
4 Mar 2011 (2)
what peace is this that blooms fresh as a flower in the morning of the desert? as a rose that blooms in the morning dew, your peace has entered into my heart. oh master of love and commander of peace, welcome to my humble abode. please, stay as long as you wish. i am content to listen to your words and bask in the warmth of your companionship. oh, jesse, let me rest in your arms that hold me. let me sleep in the shadow of your love. let me take food and water from your wisdom and clothe myself in your will. sweet friend of mine, come and dwell in my brokeness.
4 Mar 2011
hey jesse. how are you? today has been interesting to say the least. i wonder what will happen tonight. thanks for providing people to help me along. i was wondering if you would mind visiting with me sometime. well, until then i guess youll know where to find me. i love you.
Thursday, March 3, 2011
3 Mar 2011
i dont know what im doing. i dont know why im here. what is the purpose? why? why, if im going to be alone?
3 Mar 2011
well, i dont know how im supossed to be hopeful when i really dont have much hope. i just dont see anything here. i really dont see anything when i look at korea either. i just cant see anything. well, jesse, if youre still caring, im still praying for miracles. i dont know what else to call them anymore.
Wednesday, March 2, 2011
2 Mar 2011
thank you jesse. i know you will provide. its hard to remember to have faith sometimes, but i know you will provide. thank you for giving me the courage to say something. thank you for the company. i love you. i dont know where im going in life, but i trust that you will use my life somehow. in your will.
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