28 Feb 2011

alright, if its tears with which i am to praise you with, then i will flood the heavens. let the flames of the abyss be quenched in the anguish of my soul. let the hunger of the fires of hell be gorged with the pain of my existence. may god deign to rest his feet in the river of my tears. may he look upon the brokeness of my house. may he pass by in silence.

27 Feb 2011

ok, i really hate being pissed off so much. so why are people being so immature and retarded? i just dont get it. thank you for helping me control my anger. i really need it. anywho, i need some courge, jesse. i want to ask a couple of girls out, but im really not very much for words on the spot. would you help me out? either way, thanks for being here today.

26 Feb 2011 (2)

listening to a symphony for the lost. sadly enough i could paint a picture of my entire life with it. its sick, doctors want to put me on drugs to give me a false sense of happiness, friends want me to just go a little more and be patient. the world does not want me or care, the military only wants my service. it says it the bible that i am worth something to god, but how do i really know? it also says that i am like a grain of dust. so which do i believe? why do i feel like a piece of ground that's been fought over for so long that its now worthless? why does anyone still fight over me? i simply dont understand anymore. god, i cant stand the rain anymore. the tears the flow from me both night and day erode my body and flood my soul. i am so tired of this pain. im so tired of the blood that saturates the mud of my life. im so tired of the death of people's souls around me. im so tired of seeing vacant eyes. im so tired of watching my peers wander aimlessly. i cant remember how many times ive tried to help them, but my words fall upon deaf ears, my actions upon dead hearts, the love i give them only falls to the ground. when will i be allowed to die as well? when will i be sent from this suffering, from this stricken desert? dear god, how long must i listen to the silence of loneliness? how long must i bear the hour of my enemy? how long must i feel the sting of artillery shells destroying me? why must i bear the lies of death beckoning? oh god, the wind is furious, but it does not drive the tears from my heart. the sun does shine upon me, but it brings with it no warmth. yes lord, rain if you must, but be gentle. i know not what holds me together. i feel as though my being is turned to a ghost, a bit of mist to be burned away; forgotten.

26 Feb 2011

my dearest friend, im soooo tired. thank you for letting it be a saturday. today is truly beautiful, and she is truly beautiful. i wish i could understand your plans, but my brain is too small. will you please just make sure that im not going anywhere outside of your protection? thank you. i love you. please bless my friend. she is going through such a hard time. i can see the sadness in her heart. i know that she has a beautiful smile. i only ask that she know who you are. please be with my parents as well. i love them so much. thank you for giving them peace and love. im still lonely, but you know that. so i know this is a really stupid question, but i cant help myself anymore. is there really one for me out there?

25 Feb 2011 (2)

well, today was nuts. i dont know whats gotten into me, but i feel like im back in highschool. i dont know what to do anymore. thanks for at least carrying me through today.

25 Feb 2011

well, jesse, im going crazy today. i dont know what to do. i need direction. please help.

24 Feb 2011

well, i think i hear you telling me to talk to her, but im not sure, so i guess ill go talk to her and see. thank you for whatever you will bring in this.

23 Feb 2011

thank you for the peace today. i love you. thank you for people to talk to. i need it. thank you for a small bit of hope, i need it more. thank you for your love. i am dead without it.

21 Feb 2011 (2)

thanks jesse, thank you for the company. thank you for keeping me today. thank you

21 Feb 2011

ok, why would you make me this way? im so fucking horny right now its not even funny. what the fuck? god this shit sucks. i need...

20 Feb 2011

im so lonely. even in a crowd im lonely. why do i always have to be so alone? i dont understand. i know everyone is unique, but even nerds get to find someone else. why cant i get anyone else? its so depressing.

19 Feb 2011

how? how do i forgive them god? i dont know how to forgive them. i want to forgive, but i dont know how. whats worse is that i dont know how to forgive myself. i dont think i really know how to forgive. help?

18 Feb 2011

jesse, im not sure how to go on. maybe i wont. i guess this is where you hold me and we leave only one set of footprints. thank you. i love you. im tired. well, when you bring another into my life i guess ill love her. untill then, ill just have to wait. well, ill talk to you later.

17 Feb 2011

well, if youre the one that wants to restore the house of jacob, go ahead. i dont know what you mean when you say the house of jacob, but youll have to be the one to do it.

16 Feb 2011 (2)

why silence?

16 Feb 2011

depressed. i shouldnt be, but i am. i dont get it. if you made someone as fucked up as me once why cant you do it again? or why wont you just let me die? i dont get it.

15 Feb 2011 (2)

well, im not sure what to do now. im going so crazy. i wish this could be easier, or at least a little more pleasant, but i guess ill have to do with what i have. still love you. still having a good day. thanks jesse.

15 Feb 2011

well, i guess its a miracle that i have peace today, so thank you jesse. i was looking at her picture today. she really is a beautiful daughter. i hope that if you give her a man he will realize how truly lucky and blessed he is. she really is amazing. thanks for at least letting me get to know her. it hurts. i love you.

14 Feb 2011 (2)

jesse, jacob needs a miracle. i really hope i dont have to go through this 9 times. if i do i hope you realize that i might kill myself before i get to the end.

14 Feb 2011

im so sick of being alone. i fucking hate valentines day. the only purpose of this shitty day is to remind everyone to go be loved. well, heres what i have to say about that. its hard to go be loved when youre not loved by anyone anyway. thanks god for such a wonderful fucking day. i wish i were dead right now.

13 Feb 2011

dear god, i dont know what to do. im confused. please, i know you understand. i need your help.

11 Feb 2011

i dont get why. i just know in my gut. where there is silence, there is also darkness. what beauty i had is now gone, and what hope was given me has passed on. my prayer has been answered. i have freely given. and now i have nothing. so why am i still walking? i dont know. if you have an answer, id really appreciate one right now. if you are done with me jesse, then please just let me die.

10 Feb 2011

ok god, what the fuck? how come im always invisible? how come im always overlooked? why am i always rejected? what gives? im so tired of being the outcast, the unacceptable, the one who is never quite good enough. what the fuck? right now i feel like i may as well be living in hell im so shunned righ now. today i saw a girl i know look right at me and the only reason she looked at me was because i said her name. that was it. WHAT THE FUCK!?!?!?! do you remember your promise to me? do you not know my needs? or do you simply take a sadistic pleasure in tormenting me? i dont need to be the center of attention, id just like to be noticed by someone that doesnt make me want to gag. is that so difficult? am i really that fucking ugly and disgusting? i cant fucking live like this. i just cant. have you looked at my life lately? at this rate im not gonna be worth anything to anyone in a year. im already pretty close to being worthless as it is. why does it seem like all youre doing is sitting on your hands? i just dont get it anymore god. i just dont get it. let me know if you want something. ill be in my room, contemplating sending myself to eternity. like usual.

9 Feb 2011

hey jesse, today was awesome. thanks for the chat today. im really confused right now. im really impatient right now aren't i? i mean, its hard to wait for her. its hard to believe. i know you want me to trust you and everything, but im having a really hard time right now. i hope you can understand. by the way, did i ever tell you that i really hate it when you tell me i lose? its so irritating, but im really glad that i can't win. i guess that means that im happy you're always getting your way. well, i need to go study your works. they're really awesome by the way. its so cool to see how you made things. thank you so much.

6 Feb 2011

well, god, im willing to live alone. i dont know if i can do it though. i really need to be touched and held. im really going crazy here. i love heejeong so much. will you please be with her? please help me. i love you jesse.

3 Feb 2011

so i was wondering what you want me to do. im not sure if you sent me my dream last night, but i will do what i can to follow it. thank you jesse

2 Feb 2011

well, im sure i dont understand everything, but i do understand that you dont want me to be alone. i know you've asked me to be willing to be alone and i am. i dont understand it god, but with your grace i will do it. please give me strength, please give me wisdom, please give me patience, please give me what i need. thank you for letting me understand at least a little. today is beautiful. your creation is amazing. thank you my dearest friend. thank you jesse.

1 Feb 2011

thank you jesse