30 Apr 2011

well, im still alive.

29 Apr 2011

well, i found the application for the flower job i want for the summer. i dont know if ill get it, but i know youll guide me in that area. ill also need to find a place to live for the summer. thanks for already providing for me.

27 Apr 2011

well, easter was especially odd. but thank you for my family. i love my family, every quirky one. thank you for allowing me to get a vehicle for up in the mountains. i still feel alone, but i know youre with me today and i know that you wont leave. i still dont know what you have in mind for me, but i will trust that you have it well in hand. please look after my cousin. she deserves to have a good life. there are times i wish i could be back in the military. i really miss the comradry.

21 Apr 2011

wow, i was having such a great day. now im suddenly lonely. why is it always the simple little things that make me so emotional? why always the little things that i long for? and why cant i ever find love? god, if youre listening, i could really use some company, especially being held.

20 Apr 2011

my dearest god! hear my prayer, come to your child. i am weak.  there is nothing here to support me. i see the ruin of my country. the children dead or wandering in ashes cry out. the women have all been killed. the hearts of the people are laid bare. oh my god, the ashe falls like snow. the fire consumes without mercy. my god, the rain falls and runs into destructive floods. even the sun hides. my god, i cannot stand such violence. i dare not open my eyes to such hate. be my protection, oh god of love. i cannot bear the sight of the people in such pain. oh what hell has been set before my eyes. what fearful gaping holes the eyes of survivors have become. how black the hearts of men. the end of the pale man is near. oh god. see my tears. know the cries of my heart.

19 Apr 2011

ok jesse, id like to have a woman to share my life with, but i dont want to be hurt. if that means i have to be alone, then fine. i will be alone. i just cant promise to be happy. i really cant promise anything anymore. anyway, at least i can thank you for sending me friends. im glad that i dont have centuries to live here. itd be far too painful.

18 Apr 2011 (2)

thank you for showing me how old she was. ugh, why do they always do that? why cant they ever tell the fucking truth? why cant they not play games for once. god i wish there was just one. its so depressing.

18 Apr 2011

well god, i bought the bike. i still have peace. thank you for giving me patience and something i can use to go enjoy your works and have a chance at relaxing.

17 Apr 2011

thank you for such a great two days. its been awesome. thank you for also providing a way for me to get into the backcountry. im really excited to finally have a way to enjoy your mountains.

14 Apr 2011

wow, my mind is running so fast im wearing holes in my head. at least you can keep track of it all. thanks for such a good day today.

13 Apr 2011

what have i left jesse? what is left here? why do i still live? why do i still care?

12 Apr 2011

well jesse, thank you for giving me friends. thank you for my mom. i love them all so much. thank you most of all for forgiveness. especially helping me to forgive. i know you are with me. thank you for your guidance. i love you.

11 Apr 2011

well, i dont know whats going to happen to me. frankly im not even sure i want to know. i need to get to the dentist and the eye doctor though. i also need to get my ass in gear and just move on in life. k, thanks.

10 Apr 2011

srange past few days. thanks

8 Apr 2011

oh if only i had beauty in my life. there is nothing here. oh if only i could share. words cannot express, my fingers cannot make music, and i cannot replicate what i see. how long must i wait for peace? god how long is this miserable life? why cant anyone ever understand me? why? why must i hide everything about myself? am i not human? am i not acceptable to society? am i only good as a reject or example of something to be despised? god, its been so long since i last had a valid reason to fucking smile. im so tired of being sarcastic. i want to be real, i want to be honest, i want to have love and be able to love another. but how can anyone love when they have no love? how does a person give what they dont have? i swear it is impossible. there is no grace in this world. there is no love, there is nothing but tears, pain, bloodshed, and violence. only death awaits. may god have mercy on the souls of the condemned, for that includes all of humanity. good-bye.

6 Apr 2011 (2)

Dear True Love,
you are one of the most finiky things i know.  You never come to see me, never write, and never speak to me.  I realize that you are very busy, especially now that the population of the world is exploding, but seems as you are influencing so many people throughout the world as it is; I was wondering if you would like to stop by and say hi to me as well.  As it is right now, I find that I am hard presed to continue believing in you without anything to go on.  I am afraid that I must tell you that your time in my life is running dangerously low.
Sincerely,
Raven

6 Apr 2011

well, i dont know anymore. what to do, what to do? i know that i should be doing my best with my schoolwork, but i cant seem to get the energy to do it. i just dont have the drive. its like i just want to be with people. thats all i ever seem to want. i just dont get it. ugh, k enough whining. thanks for a good day.

5 Apr 2011

feeling sad today. it was a good day, but im still feeling sad. its like im in a room thats empty and cold. barren of all things except an old wooden stool, a bench hanging from the wall with chains, and a tin bucket with a bare lightbulb in a socket hanging from the ceiling. its like the room is huge and i cant see the walls except for the one that my bed hangs on. i feel old and decrepit, like ive been stuck in this place for so long i have forgotten that there is an outside world. there is no light except for the one bulb. there is no door that i know of. there is no one else there. just me. they say that solitary confinement is the worst tourture. well, i seem to live it every day. its only the second greatest tourture. the greatest is being in solitary confinement when you know there is an outside world and other people. thats the worst. i can only survive because i dont know any other existence. i thought i knew another way, but i find that it receeds into my mind as though it were only a fleeting thought, a dream, an unreality. god, how sad my life is. how bleak this existence. how truly alone i feel. but i dont really know if im alone, i really dont know if this is the thing i feel. i just dont know.

4 Apr 2011 (2)

well, i thought a friend of mine was dead. thank god hes not. i really like him. i wish i could hang out with him more. life has its demands though. at least i know that he is alive. thank god.

4 Apr 2011

yay, im so happy. pfft. whatever. thanks for at least giving me trigonometry. at least theres one thing that makes sense in this world. thanks for also giving me something to write about; seriously if it wasnt for you, id never be able to write anything. anyway, i better get to it. thanks jesse.

3 Apr 2011

what is left for a person when they have no love? nothing, even death has come for them. the body only waits to catch up to the heart and soul.

1 Apr 2011

im so confused today. i want to simply be happy and have friends and a family. but it seems like im destined to be alone. well, i guess ill simply have to learn to live with it. i know i will learn to be comfortable with this, but until then. yeah, anywho, i dont really know what im doing. i guess youll have to help me again toady. thanks jesse.