nightmares

had nightmares last night. i dreamed that god had left the world and that the people were rampant. a crowd had killed a liquor store owner in a big city and stolen his goods. the police came in great numbers to try to handle the situation, but many of  them were corrupt, and they beat the vandals and dispersed the crowd with violence. one man held a bottle of whiskey that he didnt even want to drink and ran. he was happy that he had the whiskey, but he didnt want to drink it, i dont know why. he ran into a tall building with a cop on his tail. ran up several flights of stairs to the 5ht or 6th floor then, in order to not be caught, leapt out of a window to his death. the cop initially tried to stop him, but ended up smiling and walking away after seeing that the man was dead. woke up, in the middle of the night and realized something. ive had enough of hell and violence. i really want to go to heaven. went back to sleep and continued the dream. woke up scared. havent done that for a long time. i know god is there, and i know he watches over me and has saved me, but i still get scared that he will send me to hell. im certainly not perfect, but some days im really lost as to what god wants of me. i really do want to follow him, but what does that mean in this day and age? i refuse to shove my beliefs down anyones throat, that will only drive them further from god. i want to love people like my mom does, but im afraid of two things. first im afraid of how broken i have to become. im already depressed with ptsd and jumpy, what more is there to break before i go insane or become useless? second im afraid that no matter how hard i try to show my love for people, i just cant love them. at least not like my mom can. i know that im not my mom, so being able to love like her is pretty much impossible, especially as we are two different people, but why is it i can never seem to be able to love others? i know god made me to be a warrior, but i dont want to be violent all the time. i only want to be violent when there is no other way. i know that there will be no violence in heaven. but does that mean that i will learn to love or does it mean that god will cast me out because my nature is one of violence? will i be cast into the eternal darkness and be left alone forever? my god if my purpose here is to learn how to love, then i am afraid that a thousand lifetimes is not enough time for me to learn. i do not know what it is you want me to do. i can only pray that your grace and forgiveness is enough. if i were left to my own devices i know what would become of me. i shudder to see what will become of this world in the end times. i feel sorry for the beleagered law enforcement that will have to deal with those times. may god give an abundance of mercy to the men and women who will actually try to keep the peace and uphold justice with mercy. the end truly is comming soon. :( when i dont know and i dont want to know. i can only pray that god will put it off long enough that either i will be ready or that i will be with him.

oh my god, your people hurt so much. i know that you have made this world for us in love, but i cant fathom how so much pain has entered this place. it breaks my heart god. i also dont understand why i didnt die in iraq. why do the men and women of my country die protecting me when they have families and loved ones back home and yet here i am single andwith no dependants still alive and wondering what the hell to do next. i just dont get it.
god, it just brings me to tears when i look around. i dont know how much more of this my spirit can take. i beg of you, please, be my strength till my job here is done. even when i dont have the strength to cry out for help.